Word of Ziggy the Hutt’s bounty on my head seems to traveled fast – every blasted space station we end up docking at wants to arrest me and sell me to him. With Kalashnikov on light duty, I felt it was safest to drop the little traitor off on a small trawler we passed by on our way between space stations.
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Recently I have been receiving strange transmissions from an unknown origin. Nothing to worry about, I would assume. After all, my intergalactic transport is equipped with the most sophisticated defenses! Now if only I could remember where I left my keys..
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By gibbons, I must confess I have been sidelined by your genus’ interesting choices before, but never would I have guessed that human slaves on Gillese 876 c Δ would actually vote to remove their right to vote! There has been some controversy among the various factions of the ruling Drokanivore population over the facts the ballots were counted in secret and the humans, being slaves, weren’t permitted to vote.It’s one of those things that makes you go hmmmm….
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Perhaps the most preposterous proposition yet posited by the populace is the prediction that the planet is eventually going to polarize. Such silly stances on the situation at hand simply simulate the self suppression system that has been successfully used to stymie the superhuman synchronization of the Earth’s symbiotic species.
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Tyna Ogassa, Empress of Anellexcha (what you call HD 10180), was recently deposed by a rebellious movement strikingly similar to your own Bolshevik movement of the earlier 1900s. The events were so similiar, some Anellexchans have accused the Earth of plagarising their history, though this is chiefly because said Anellexchans have no clue how energy works in the space time continuun (sadly, idiots are a universal constant.) However, it is this interesting limitation on the flow of history and the behavior of social organisms that leads to these strange re-occurances through the galaxy – similar to the scandal over the parallels between the great Klingon epic ‘The Tragedy of Khamlet, Son of the Emperor of Qo’noS’ and the Earth play ‘Hamlet’.
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So I recently summoned a lesser daemon from a plane of pure malice and torment. He wouldn’t tell me his real name, so I called him squinky. He’s a tiny little rascal, not three feet tall with the most adoriable little wings and fangs. The kind of cute that you just want to bludgeon it to death with a solid two-by-four. Pikachu cute. Plus the little fucker shat everywhere and tried to eat the cat. So I didn’t keep him around for long.
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It’s SOCAN week at CJSR, and that means it’s time we pull out all our Canadian content we’ve accumulated over the years and play it so that our young artists can get a nice cheque for $10 or something like that. Regardless, my collection of Canadian rock is becoming legendary.
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Three Bad Jacks/Crazy in the Head
Big John Bates/Amerikan
Hidden Towers/Drowning in the Baptismal Font
Zombie Ghost Train/Step into my coffin
Whitemud/No Vacancy
The Brains/Devil’s Crossroads
The Benders/Riverman
Raygun Cowboys/Sideburns & Switchblades
The Creepshow/Candy Kiss
Eve Hell & the Razors/Zombie Love
Forbidden Dimension/House of 1000 Dolls
Matadors/Black Widow
The Get Down/Blood, Sweat & Gears
Scythia/For the Bear
Zombie Girl/Jesus was a zombie
Well, that arbitrary point you humans select from the Earth’s rotation around the sun to divide up your history has come and gone once again. I’m looking forward to the world not ending, how about you?
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David Bowie & Iggy Pop/The Passenger
The Gories/Nitroglycerine
Eve Hell & the Razors/Lipstick on my microphone
Whitemud/No vacancy
Stabbing Westward/Save yourself
Reverend Horton Heat/The Devil’s chasing me
The Brains/Four beasts ride
The Hellfreaks/If I die today
Nightwish/Moondance
The Mad Caddies/Weird Beard
Raygun Cowboys/Dead end girl
They might be giants/Robot parade
Ladytron/Last one standing
The Epoxies/Losing control
Bjork & PJ Harvey/Satisfaction
It’s the winter solstice, which means that soon the days will be back to normal and I can resume lounging around all day on my nice hot rock – wait, I mean taking the universe over with my powers of extreme evil. Blah, the endless drivel of Christmas carols must be getting to me, so my gift to you – my dear droogs – is exactly the same kind of show you’ve heard all year. I hope you enjoy this break from the holiday madness, I know I did.
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Queen/Princes of the Universe
The Matadors/Bad Mojo
Tsunami Bomb/5450
The Creepshow/You’ll come crawling
Brigitte Handley and the Dark Shadows/Go like 60
The Get Down/Gods of thunder
Electric Frankenstein/Cocaine blues
The Brains/I’m your nightmare
Hang Ten Hangmen/She’s my zombie baby
Deadbolt/Bitch tried to kill me
The Tea Party/Turn the lamp down
Raygun Cowboys/For the whiskey
Eve Hell & the razors/Rocker
The Cramps/I was a teenage werewolf
The Cramps/Sunglasses after dark
Being a mad scientist, I oftentimes get asked about how to best conceal my inane experiments from the forces of justice and do-goodery. Usually I feed people who ask me this sort of thing to my pet komodo dragons because they’re generally the forces of justice and do-goodery’s trusty (and quite expendable) sidekicks.
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Frankenstein Drag Queens from Planet 13/The Devil made me do it
David Vanian and the Phantom Chords/Haunted garage
The Dirtbombs/Infra-red
Coachwhips/Dance floor bathroom
The Creepshow/Cherry Hill
Bikes ‘n Hollers/Big Ba da boom
Puppini Sisters/Walk like an egyptian
Bleeding knees club/Teenage girls
Hang Ten Hangmen/Jungle sunrise
Loveland/Black glove
The Lorainas/Love sex terror
Destroy all monsters/You’re gonna die
D.O.A/The Prisoner
The Brains/We are the Brains
Wanda Jackson/Funnel of love
Kitty in a casket/Bride of the monster
Red Hot Rockin’ Hood/Red hot Betty
Death/Keep on Knocking
Giant Lizards shall soon rule the Earth! 