February 20th, 2013

Depending on a planet’s proximity to its sun, and the radiance and size of the sun itself, the resulting light received by the planet will be noticibly different. Whereas the skies on Earth are blue, the skies of Beetlegeuse IV are a strange magenta. This change of natural light has dramatic effects on the wildlife, the modified light has allowed plant-like organisms to develop limbs that are a strange combination of roots and legs. These legroots can absorb nuttrients from the soil as well as enable locomotion, which allows many of these plant-like organisms, like the massive Spiked Howler, to hunt and devour prey of all sorts.

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Tom Waits/Hell broke luce
Big John Bates/Fields of fire
The Vladmirs/Her black hearse
Reventlos/Death of a Reventlo
Godzilla Flip/From the dark side
Empress of Fur/Roadster
Dead 60s/Red Light
Karloff/Succubusty
Whip Crackin’ Daddies/Fire
The Doors/Back door man
Dethklok/The Gears
Scythia/Dies Irae Pt.1
Black Sabbath/Faeries wear boots

February 13th, 2013

Naturally, when confronted with a cerebear, which is a hybrid of cerebus and a cave bear often found on strange intrasolar warp hubs such as Ganymede, the best option is to run to the nearest high velocity motorized vehicle and hightail it to safety. If you cannot reach one, you could try running, but chances are shooting yourself is probably a less stressful way to go.

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Gunther & the Sunshine Girls/I’m your man
Cult of the Psychic Fetus/Cannibal Girl
The Mutants/Wham!
Green Monster/Graveyard baby
Electric Frankenstein/Cocaine Blues
Rezurex/Devil woman from outer space
Vulture Club/Full Moon Blues
Lonesome Joseph/If you love me
The Goddamn Gallows/City of Hell
The Who/Boris the Spider
Theatres des Vampires/Kain
Ministry/Jesus built my hotrod
Nine Inch Nails/The day the world went away
Icon of Coil/Thrillcapsule
Ladytron/Destroy everything you touch

February 6th, 2013

Recently a study at one of your universities concluded that the majority of life-bearing planets may orbit Red Dwarfs, the most numerous stars in the galaxy. I can verify that this is indeed true – one of my favorite places to vacation is Hibernius Z, a super-earth about 27 light years away from here. It is a hot jungle paradise with a crimson red sky, where its close proximity to the star allows for heightened plate-tectonic activity. As a consequence, there is always a volcano or two going off keeping the planet nice and warm for reptilians like myself.

Someday, after your species has annihilated itself with your various global climate altering shenanigans, perhaps my people will come here to vacation too. They’ll explore your ruins like you do ancient ruins nowadays.

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Dethklok/Awaken
Ministry/Space Truckin’
Korn/Another brick in the wall
David Bowie & Trent Reznor/I’m afraid of americans
Front Line Assembly/Attack the masses
Patti Smith/White Rabbit
The Viletones/Screaming Fist
Mondo Heptet/Abdullah
Brainbuster/Cyber Punx from space of future
Damn Laser Vampires/M.IMephisto Waltz/Peace Frog
PC Project/Gaudalier
George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic/Maggot Brain

January 30th, 2013

Mysteries abound in the cosmos – for example how is it that Pluto, where the sun is but another star in the sky, is home to the Short Faced Silax, the largest terrestrial predator in the solar system? Though it is also known that rogue planets – seemingly lifeless voids drifting aimlessly through space – are the homes to all sorts of terrible things. A lot of star-faring species tend to avoid them and regard them with a great deal of superstition. Nobody wants to be the one that wakes up Cthulhu.

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Satyricon/Walk the path of sorrow
Mongol/Kriegasmarisch
Chariots of the Gods/Blind Assassin
Nightwish/Wishmaster
Rob Zombie/Werewolf women of the SS
Apocalyptica/Hall of the Mountain King
The Brains/Screaming
The Mutilators/Run! From the hideous.
As Diabatz/Witches’ Stomp
Bloodshot Bill/No help wanted
Batmobile/Ubangi Stomp
Coffinshakers/Twins of evil
Horrorpops/Rebel Yell
Dirtbombs/Goodlife