Playlist for December 20th, 2011

It’s the winter solstice, which means that soon the days will be back to normal and I can resume lounging around all day on my nice hot rock – wait, I mean taking the universe over with my powers of extreme evil. Blah, the endless drivel of Christmas carols must be getting to me, so my gift to you – my dear droogs – is exactly the same kind of show you’ve heard all year. I hope you enjoy this break from the holiday madness, I know I did.

Click here to download the podcast.

Queen/Princes of the Universe
The Matadors/Bad Mojo
Tsunami Bomb/5450
The Creepshow/You’ll come crawling
Brigitte Handley and the Dark Shadows/Go like 60
The Get Down/Gods of thunder
Electric Frankenstein/Cocaine blues
The Brains/I’m your nightmare
Hang Ten Hangmen/She’s my zombie baby
Deadbolt/Bitch tried to kill me
The Tea Party/Turn the lamp down
Raygun Cowboys/For the whiskey
Eve Hell & the razors/Rocker
The Cramps/I was a teenage werewolf
The Cramps/Sunglasses after dark

Monsters of the world – The Phorid Fly

The most nightmarish of nature’s demons are not just gigantic – perhaps one of the most devastating monsters are the much loathed fire ants spreading across civilization.

Imagine a demon so terrifying that fire ants deliberately go out of their way to avoid it at all costs.

The phorid fly is the stuff of HR Giger’s nightmares. This lady swoops down on a hapless fire ant and rapes her with piercing needle – the needle injects the fly’s fertilized egg.

 

 

But that’s only the beginning of this horror story.

As the baby maggot grows, it makes its way towards the ant’s head. There, it begins to feast on the ant’s brain. While eating the ant’s brain, the maggot engages in a little understood ‘mind control’, taking control of the ant’s central nervous system and leading it off to a nice quiet place where her fellow workers can’t hear her screams. After the maggot has eaten all of the ant’s brain and is ready to make a cocoon, it decapitates the ant’s head and forms a pupa inside of it. The ant’s severed head then serves as an incubator until the phorid fly is ready to take off and spread terror again.

Strikingly similar to the fire ants themselves, the phorid is native to Argentina. While the fire ant has had free reign to devour the United States since landing there in the 1930s, the phorid fly keeps the fire ants hiding away in terror in their motherland. Today, phorids are being introduced throughout the United States with the hope that there will be similar results there.

Perhaps it’s not just the ants that are under the fly’s control.

Playlist for December 13th, 2011

Outrageous! The Collective Coalition of cohabitable planets has place a ban on my new swamp sauce on the grounds it causes their eyes to explode – can assure you this only happened – SOMEWHAT RARELY – at the lab. Bloody consumer advocates.

Click here to download the podcast.

Voltaire Brothers/Which one?
Raygun Cowboys/One life left
Surf Punks/My beach
Brigitte Handley & the Dark Shadows/Dave likes dolls
Zombie ghost train/Monster rock ‘n roll
Forbidden dimension/Hitchhike to Hades
Godless wicked creeps/Little green man
Ladytron/Destroy everything you touch
Naughty zombies/Stinking neurotic
Eve Hell & the razors/Driving me to drink
Hang ten hangmen/Attack of the trophy wives
Rammstein/Stripped

Monsters of the world – The Styxosaur

Contrary to what your mom told you, monsters *do* exist, and as a public service I am going to prove it to you.  You will never sleep again thanks to a new weekly feature on the most terrifying hellspawn evolution has ever come up with.

So, picture this; you’re out for a nice swim on a calm summer day. You’re about a nice thirty or forty feet out, far out enough that you can’t see the bottom anymore in the murky, deep blue see.

Which is when it gets you.

From the black night of the abyss, a massive open mouth comes surging towards you. Before you can even scream, you are impaled from both sides on massive tusks and sucked down the worse waterslide you’ll ever see, then landing into a bath of battery acid and razor sharp rocks which pulverize and dissolve you as you figure out a way to die.

You’ve just become the dinner of a particularly large species of dragon, the Styxosaurus, a forty-foot long monster that more commonly preys on whale-eating giant squid, dolphin-like ichthyosaurs and noteworthy republican Chuck Norris.

They are among the few and proud apex preditors not to be killed by humans or orcas, for obvious reasons. With razor sharp teeth and eyes that can pierce right through your soul, the Styxosaurus is among nature’s ultimate ocean hunters.

Because of the elusive nature of gigantic monsters that eat your nightmares for lunch, relatively little is known about these massive undersea carnagevores. To date, not a single specimen has ever been brought down by man-made weaponry, and while reports of napalmesque fire breath are contestable due to a complete lack of survivors we can safely guess that looking into those cold eyes is likely enough to induce death in puny humanoid lifeforms.

Have a nice swim folks.

Giant Lizards shall soon rule the Earth – December 6th, 2011

Another fine evening of rocking the world. I should let you all know, I’m hosting Karaoke at the CI Longue every Saturday and every other Thursday. It’s a nice and grungy spot, but it has decent beer and .25 cent wings. We start at 9:30 pm, so check it out if you’re ever in the neighborhood. I do a mean Chuck Berry.

Click here to download the podcast.

As Diabatz/Summertime booze
Reverend Horton Heat/Psychobilly freakout
The Meteors/Rawhide
Forbidden Dimension/Wild old wolfman
Zombie Surf Camp/Surf zombies are go!
David Vanian and the Phantom Chords/King of fools
The Cramps/Bikini girls with machine guns
Rammstein/Te quero puta!
Dethklok/The Lost vikings
Naughty Zombies/Tengo un Pasajero
The Mutants/Outerspace oddyssy
The Dirtbombs/Here comes that sound again
Deadbolt/Zulu death mask
The Creepshow/Candy kiss